I was just looking at this photo of myself, thinking about the way I felt when it was taken. I felt confident and happy. As opposed to the way society tells me I should feel about myself, I felt pretty. Not “pretty for a fat girl”. Just pretty. I’ve come to terms with the fact that being bigger than most doesn’t make me ugly, for I’m more than a pant size or a number on the scale. I have thoughts, feelings, hobbies, and interests just like everyone else. But the first thing I’m labeled as when people see me is “the fat girl”. It’s like people think of me as less of a human because of my size.
I was thinking of one particular incident that I just couldn’t comprehend and I never told anyone about. I was walking around a Walmart in an unfamiliar city because I was on vacation, and there were two employees chatting and stocking shelves. As I was passing by them in order to get to the item I was trying to purchase, I heard one of them say “It’s big, but I’d still hit it”. I thought I heard wrong. There couldn’t be people in the world who would so blatantly disrespect a person like that. Maybe they weren’t talking about what I thought. But then the coworker said “Ew man. I’ll let you have that one”. To this day, I wish I would’ve said something to them. I should have taken it to their boss and made sure something happened. But I was too hurt and embarrassed to do so. So I pretended I didn’t hear and went about my business without even buying what I went their for.
I don’t know if people think because I’m fat, I don’t deserve respect or if they think they are in someway doing me a favor by saying rude things when I pass by. And I notice that it’s almost always men, in groups, that feel like they should say something about me and my body. I don’t think they realize the lasting impact these types of comments in passing leave on people. Nor do I think they’d care even if they did know. They go home and forget that they ever even seen me, but the memory it stays in my mind forever.
I’ve come to realize that people like that need to be forgiven. Not because they deserve it, but because I deserve it. So I moved on from that, and currently I’m here. Accepting myself and loving my body in it’s current state and in any future state. I learned that I need to love myself first, then people’s words can’t hold as much power over me. People who don’t know me and don’t care about me shouldn’t be the ones whose thoughts and opinions stick with me. In the end it’s my mind that take priority over them and anything they say. I can choose to make my thoughts and opinions of myself bad, or I stay positive.